Psychosis and BPD

Since childhood I’ve heard voices, always commanding me to do things or my family would die.. too put it quite bluntly. The voices would be four adults, one male and three females. The male would be the ring leader, the commanding one, threatening and horrible. The females would be critical and harsh on my self esteem and confidence. They weren’t always commanding, just critical. It’s only when I got older into early adulthood would they develop into a commanding voice, telling me to hurt myself or unalive myself to save everyone and the world. This didn’t come alone, I also had delusional beliefs, people were out to harm me, professionals were leaking my information to the CIA – Rats in the walls that I could hear scratching around. It became unbearable.

BPD and me

I was first diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder or Emotionally unstable Personality Disorder if you’re from the UK, when I was admitted to hospital for the first time. I always will remember the psychiatrist sitting me down and explaining this disorder to me, I didn’t believe it at first or come to terms with it. Straight away, after the initial discussion, I googled all the symptoms and what it meant to have BPD. Abandonment issues, emotional dysfunction, impulsivity, high suicide and self harm rates. God, this was me. I still believed my symptoms meant something else and didn’t resonate with the disorder at all. I voiced my concerns and I had a visit from my now therapist to do another assessment.. It concluded the diagnosis. I started to come to terms with my new condition and what it meant for me.

Conclusion

I now sit with the ache instead of running from it. I let it breathe. I write it down so it doesn’t eat me alive. Living with this mind feels like sharing a house with a wildfire—terrifying, unpredictable—but it also keeps me warm in ways nothing else can.

I don’t know who I’ll be tomorrow. I never do. But I’m here. Still here. And for now, that has to be enough.